Ever commit to something that seems to make so many promises only to end in disappointment? What do we buy into in our lives that take investment or commitment for some desired outcome and then at the end of it you wonder just why you did it at all? I’m feeling like this today. I look back at this whole process and journey and dragging my family all over this country on a whim or faith or whatever else you might call it and I have to wonder sometimes what the hell was I thinking?Was my faith and belief God was leading me just an illusion? A figment of my imagination?This latest move to Moana loop road has got me questioning myself over the choice to come here. Yes it’s a cheap pop with 2 months to stay here and it’s not far from town but it offer’s little for the kids to do and the internet is soo bad most days that the kids are starting to get irritated with each other.I finally sold the cabin, Serena’s are studio because it’s trailer wasn’t going to cope with being towed far and this helped once again with bills and allowed for some spending money as well as purchasing another caravan.It was a little rough and needed some work but now that Susanna is sleeping in it and Serena has her art gear stuffed into it we are able to travel again. But where the hell too? To me the only thing Motueka has going for it is the coast and boats or possibly fishing, which at the moment I can’t be bothered with. I did see the dr and they decided my cholesterol was too high and put me on statins. It might have been ok but like the last lot I tried I have issues with it. Anyway things got so bad today that I had to just go away from everyone for a day and get some space. 10 year’s in close proximity to family era without a significant amount of time apart is unhealthy,at least for me.Kids, as they grow develop issues as they discover who they are and set boundaries to help define themselves and this can be problematic in a confined space even with partitioned sleeping arrangements.I was over living in the truck before but frankly I’m kind of just hating it now.I feel purposeless and adrift in our current situation. We were offered some work replacing a spouting on a house by the owner of this pop but physically I just don’t think I can manage it even though I know how to do it. Even Serena is struggling with health issues these day’s. Mostly with joints so climbing ladders wouldn’t Do her any favours.Tomorrow the van goes in to get some panel repairs after Serena backed into a bollard around a power service box that was hard to see. So we will be making trips to the dump station in the courtesy car. I hope it’s big enough.She also has some art being framed to go into the Mapua exhibition on the 18th and here I decided to lay a fleece for the future direction for us out of sheer desperation. If someone buys her are almost straight away for $3500 then I will take this as a sign we are to travel to Whangarei.The fleece comes out of the scripture where Gideon sets up a scenario for divine guidance as to wether he should do what God is asking him to do.I don’t know if I know what God wants me to do now. I’m here because I thought he wanted me to be here but now I feel so uncertain about whether he said any such thing.Whe ln I was in Northland I was sure he was saying we would have land somewhere between Nelson and Blenheim but at today’s prices I have no idea how that’s even achievable especially since I can’t sell the truck.One thing is for sure. Wether Serena sells her painting or not I’m going to drive away from here as I can’t go back to just sitting in one place in such a compact way.
