Sometimes all that glitters isn’t gold and the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. However sometimes it is and its frustrating when you get caught out and end up pursuing things that have the potential to turn into something but then they don’t. Ive almost got to the unhealthy stage where it seems better to just not believe anything that has any kind of future tense and so avoid disappointment. Its certainly one way of living in the moment. but then would i only end up frustrated by a lack of hope because hope also is a future tense. we don’t hope for what we already have, although we often hope we can keep what we have but again it speaks of a future thing. Faith is supposed to be a substance of what we hope for. Faith again has future connections more than present ones.
So perhaps I’m just expecting too much? or relying to heavily on future things and not investing enough on the now things? it feels like it. when a future thing becomes a present thing and for a mere moment i get to experience the fulfillment of the thing it only lasts a short time and then i,m looking for the next thing and it could be a simple thing like financial support to continue on the past i’m on. Our journey here was with the thought that when we got to duniden we would find a means to support ourselves and grow creatively but so far the only great thing is that Serena is moving in that direction and has had some art excepted in an art contest with a 20,000 prize for the winner. That’s great for her and i’m over the moon that she has a shot. but i wonder about myself what my thing is. i can write a song, a book, do photography but none of these things have really filled me with a sense of purpose or passion or anything really. there only momentary highs in an otherwise constant feeling of boredom and then searching for the next thing. How can i find something more in the present so i don’t keep pursuing the things in the future that may or may not come? At least photography is a very present place to be but I sometimes wonder if its worth it? This I mean financially. Not every thing needs to be weighed that way but a lot is and as for tomorrow, a person wiser than me once said that tomorow is the same as whatever we are doing today. Perhaps it is.