I’m exhausted. I pushed myself to hard this week trying to get the greenhouse done so we can get some veggies started. We had some tomatoes outside in a planter but the frost killed them. We have been pushing hard to get something established that felt like we were going forward but I feel old. Everything hurts. I feel like it’s my job as a man to try and make it livable for my wife and children and yet in the back of my mind I feel like it’s futility as well. Feilty but with futility as nothing lasts.its just maintenance really. No one really wins anything lasting unless there’s something eternal to Life. It takes decades to put all the qualities inside a man to prepare him for what? A grave and the fading memories of those who think anything good of you. Therein lies the futility. So I often find myself just going through the motions and have to pull myself up and remember that just making life bearable for those who are with me is still important even if we all have the same date awaiting us. I wonder how anyone without a sense of hope in a life beyond the grave even find the motivation to get out of bed in the morning. Perhaps when I was young I did rejoice in the strength of my arms and back. I had a lot more road in front of me then. Is this why we all self medicate or keep busy or in debt or try to cram every empty place in ourselves with something else to not think too deeply about the pointless existence we have? Most people I have talked to over my lifetime do not want to dwell on it. So with all that is in me i give what I have to my family because it’s what I should do. But boy is it tough sometimes.