why isn’t life as simple as looking at a map. seeing where you want to go and how to get there and then off you go to arrive at your destination. But it’s not is it? every and any day can throw a surprise or two your way and your not quite sure what to expect but this week has been more than just a change of plans or surprise. in fact it’s been a whole lot of nothing. I’m standing there wondering where did all the mojo go. The spark, the excitement, the pizzazz, the reason to get up in the morning?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I haven’t felt this disconnected for a long time. ever since the stroke and the collapse of the business venture growing veg, i find I’m completely at a loss as to what to do now. I was thinking maybe this was the time to pull the plug, resell the land and push off to greener pastures. I mean no one would blame me. we gave it a shot, i had a stroke and the bottom fell out of the business idea so all were left with is a piece of dirt in a pretty location and not much else going on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As someone who has worked with their hands their whole life it’s hard to just sit and do nothing and yet its exactly what i am forced to do. both of us feel as though we are on shaky ground both inside and outside as we piece together what bought us here and what were supposed to do. I talked to the kids about moving on again and returning to homeschooling and traveling. there a little positive about it but not really going for the idea. I’m a little excited about the fact that we would be doing something but still it just doesn’t inspire me. Its not enough. just moving for the sake of moving all the time doesn’t thrill me and damn it i want this life to thrill me at least some of the time or what’s the point?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i go out to the barn. i look at all the things i need to do if i had the materials and i think about what i might do if i had the same and then i go well crap and turn around go back to the truck and watch you tube clips. i know longer stare with fascination at the landscape as we pass by on our way to anywhere. I’m in this strange rut that i just don’t feel motivated enough to get out of. it’s like i feel stirred to do something and i check the passion meter to see how much it means to me and then i give it the meh and go back to nothing. I’ve been here before i know this valley of decision or perhaps mild depression. too early to tell but i keep checking the map of expectations and stray desires and i just cant make any sense of direction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Have i got the right map? am i reading the map meant for someone else but was handed it by well wishers and I’ve been trying to follow someone else’s map this whole time? It sure feels like it. every piece of the puzzle i try to place in the hole seems to be a bad fit for me. This is really got me stumped. Maybe it’s time to throw out the map i have and see what happens. it would take some of the pressure off anyway. i almost think i need to go back and read some of my old posts for a clue that this situation has occurred once before and see what the outcome was because i get this feeling i have been here before but still kept the map just in case i got lost again.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"