Well this has been a month i would have rather not have had. I woke at 3am wondering what woke me up. I had a cup of tea then went back to bed. i woke again at 7.30 feeling a little tired and my eyes seemed sluggish and i felt dizzy. i kind of moped around for most of the day and just seemed really out of sorts so i thought i would have another nap but when i woke up after lunch my world was spinning. everything i looked at seemed to swirl round and around so that i felt sea sick. i went downstairs to and leaned on the truck as i thought i might fall over. i saw Serena and headed towards her but i couldn’t seem to walk in a strait line. only to the left. Serena helped me get back upstairs and i sat on the step as my left eye decided it was too tired of following the movements of my left eye so it just stayed still while my other eye wandered around looking at who knows what and all the while i saw two of everything all spinning round and round. It seemed time for the ambulance so my wife called and we waited for 45 minutes for it to arrive from Murchison. By the time it arrived i felt very sea sick and the only relief was if i closed my eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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Deciding I wasn’t going to die immediately I was taken to nelson hospital which was almost a three hour drive. in the ED department it was decided that i had had a stroke of some sort. the doctor on that night was so tired that he kept getting me to touch his finger and then touch my nos fast to see if my eyes still had depth perception however sometimes he got confused and asked me to touch his nose which confused us both. anyway i asked him if he thought my eyesight wouod return to normal and he couldnt garentee it. i fell asleep that night wondering how i would cope if i wasnt blind but had to keep my eyes shut regardless to stop the feeling of dissyness. At first i decided that if this was my uture then i didnt want it and better to have another stroke and be done with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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I believe this was how my grandmother felt when she had a stroke and was paralised down one side. she didnt want to be left like that and a nother stroke saw to it that she didnt have to. Many times over my life i felt like i wanted to die for reasons i wont burdone you with, untill the age of 22 when i rolled my car while drunk. as the car slid down the road on it’s roof and glass pelted my face i heard a voice in my head saying, do you really want to die? for the first time in my life i realised that i didnt and just wanted my life to be better than it was. After my last opperation the fear of death became a constant companion and i woke many times feeling like i was sufforcating. it could have been ptsd, sleep apnia or any mumber of things, but that night in the hospital with the thought of loosing my sight i didnt fear it quite so much. in fact it felt like i was happy either way. i was tired and felt worn out. But how can i leave my wife and kids so early in their lives with so much not taken care of. somewhere i found the will to choose to stay but the thoughts of a market garden or any business that wasn’t just a casual thing, seemed way out of reach and i had lost some desire for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don’t know why i feel to add this within the five together blog because i felt i had left this kind of serious writing behind and mostly just did the blog to entertain people. Anyway I’m home again now trying to pick up the pieces once again and i pay more attention to the way i relate to my family. a little less yelling and a bit more encouragement. their my only legacy and i want them to be able to stand on their feet in this world when I’m gone. I’m sure others have felt this way or gone through something similar?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"