yesterday i had a nap as old people tend to do from time to time. ok so im not that old but im sure i have old syndrome where each day you wonder if this is the last of it. The last Breath, the last goodbye, the last kiss. At least that is better than the dreams of dying. at least their something. but the gaping chasm of nothingness is far more frightening. I dont know if i mentioned it before but i have been experiencing theses dreams where i die for near on 14 years i would guess. mostly where i would stop breathing. It turned out i had sleep apnea and so it stands to reason that partially suffocating would be the causality of those dreams. But what concerned me the most was not the dying but the things that came afterwards. It was the incredible emptiness or lack of substance and although that should be frightening enough, the last few weeks have been worse and i couldn’t explain why till today. today after having one of these dreams i came away with the question. what is it I’m so afraid of? It turns out that my biggest fear is having no control of anything anymore. I cant walk away and i cant run. i cant choose a different path or tell myself it’s not real or distract myself with substances or shopping. Its the end and yet its also the beginning. now i become the victim of an experience i cannot control and have no power over. it will invade my whole being. I feel like i will be aware but i will no longer have a body to contain me. Adrift in the cosmos, in the arms of Jesus or at the mercy of demons? i really don’t know. What i do know is that in my dreams i still exist but have no purpose. i have nothing to do and im alone in the dark. Why am i so concerned with death and dying when it’s such a depressing subject? wish i new. it seems ever since i had my last operation i have had this sensation. Anyway the point to it all, if their is one would have to be that we have an illusion that we are in control of our lives whilst we live. To me this is an illusion because i don’t know anyone who’s life turned out just like they thought it would and we have all had to make copious amounts of decisions every day to make adjustments and allowances for those situations that surprise us. Some good things and some not so good things and yet we live our lives as though its all predictable and that we just keep going on forever or that this life makes sense and it really doesn’t. It doesn’t even have any meaning when you get to the end of it and you realize that the experiences you had wont be remembered. and that when those who knew you are dead then even their remembrance of you will be gone. The sacrifices you made for your children will mean nothing to them when they pass. Everything that has to do with this life only has relevance for the living then afterwards the big eternal sleep. many religion’s have come up with something to give this life meaning. They usually point to some after life or maybe coming back as something else and some more brave souls than me say this is nothing. you just die and it’s done. I think that would be a very depressing outlook. perhaps they haven’t really looked into the being dead aspect to come up with much argument so maybe it’s a way of avoiding what makes them uncomfortable or their are questions they just don’t want answered?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i don’t particularly want to turn this blog into something spiritual as it’s late and my unspiritual self is tired. I’m concerned though that my brain, when i’m asleep can’t see anything beyond death to hope in. i hope in the future that i can answer this life and death question enough so that i get some peace about it. I think it’s one that cant be answered by psychology or someone just telling me their belief or view point. i think i will need to own this answer for myself or perhaps discover it for myself. maybe after all it is all spiritual and the human mind can’t make any sense of it so it tries to come up with something plausible? I don’t want to die to find out. Some people say they have died and seen things and then come back to tell the tale. Who knows? In the end they are them and i am me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"